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Darksat
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« on: August 29, 2006, 07:04:04 am » |
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"As of yesterday, the Bush administration still hadn't found the source of the White House leak that outed a woman as a CIA operative. To recap, here are the things President Bush can't find: The source of the leak, weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Saddam Hussein, Osama bin laden, the link between Saddam and Osama bin laden, the guy who sent the anthrax through the mail, and his butt with two hands and a flashlight." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain." —Jon Stewart
"New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut." —Craig Kilborn
"President Bush said it's now time for a change in Iraq and he wants them to have a Western-style democracy like ours. So right now in Iraq, the economy is collapsing, businessmen are corrupt, and Hussein wants his son to take over as president. Sounds like mission accomplished." —Jay Leno
"How do you look so youthful and rested?" —David Letterman, interviewing George W. Bush in 2000
"Fake it." —Bush
"And that's pretty much how you're going to run the country?" —Letterman
"President Bush is asking Congress for $80 billion dollars to re-build Iraq. And when you make out that check, remember there are two L's in Halliburton." —David Letterman
"President Bush flew over Iraq in Air Force One, saw the devastation and said 'Don't worry about this, we'll get whoever did this.'" —Craig Kilborn
"President Bush is not fazed by other candidates' war records. He said, I may have not fought in Vietnam, but I created one." —Craig Kilborn
"In response to the escalating violence in Iraq, President Bush is delaying the return home of 25,000 troops and will actually add reinforcements to the south. Then in a symbolic gesture he pulled down the mission accomplished banner, put on a flight suit, walked backwards to a jet fighter and flew it in reverse off an aircraft carrier." —Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"One guy who's excited about the handover is President George Bush. He's thrilled about turning over power back to Iraq. You know why? Because he's thinking about invading them again." —David Letterman
"President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here." —David Letterman
"This week President Bush insisted he is absolutely convinced that Saddam had a weapons program. Of course he was absolutely convinced that he won the 2000 election, so I don't know." —Jay Leno
"President Bush delivered his first State of the Union address, riding high on an 82-percent approval rating, and with Attorney General John Ashcroft dispatching agents to interview the other 18 percent." —Jon Stewart
"The White House now has disputed allegations by members of the House Intelligence Committee that President Bush went to war with Iraq based on vague intelligence. Of course he did. Everything Bush does is based on vague intelligence." —Jay Leno
"President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo." —David Letterman
"They are having a panel look into the intelligence failures in Iraq. It is a seven-person panel and it will include Senator John McCain, but the findings from this panel will not be issued until after the election. President Bush says the commission can go off and report back in a year, you know, the same way it works in the Texas National Guard." —Bill Maher
"Last night, in a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have." —Conan O'Brien
"George W. Bush surrounds himself with smart people the way a hole surrounds itself with a donut." —Dennis Miller
"Bush is smart. I don't think that Bush will ever be impeached, 'cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because, if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn't you believe him?" —Jay Leno
"Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'" —Craig Kilborn
"The FBI has issued a new terrorist warning that al Qadea may be planning a spectacular attack intended to damage our economy. Well I have news for them, they are a little too late. This is where President Bush is smart. Two years ago he did a pre-emptive strike to make sure our economy couldn't be any worse than it is right now." —Jay Leno
"President Bush unveiled his new economic stimulus plan this week. It was reported that if the plan passes the president himself would save $44,000 in taxes, Dick Cheney would save $327,000, and you could afford to take the whole family down to Burger King to pick up job applications." —Tina Fey, on Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"
"President Bush's economic plan will create 2.5 million new jobs. The bad news, they are all for Iraqi soldiers." —Craig Kilborn
"Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had. One: an easy charm with regular people and two: the power to make them disappear without a trial." —Bill Maher
"President Bush this week said that between going to war and raising twins, he'd pick war. His daughters Jenna and Barbara then sent him a big bag of pretzels for the Super Bowl." —Dennis Miller
"Newsweek magazine says that President Bush is determined not to make the same mistakes as his father did, you know like letting his kids get involved in politics." —Jay Leno
"President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney are scheduled to testify before the 9/11 commission. I guess right now they're finalizing the seating arrangements. Should Bush sit on Cheney's right knee or his left knee?" —Jay Leno
"Did you see President Bush land on the aircraft carrier? President Bush told reporters on the carrier after he landed that the pilot actually let him fly the plane for a little bit. In a related story, Dick Cheney said that he once let President Bush run the country for a few minutes." —Conan O'Brien
"You probably all heard about President Bush's nickname for Vladamir Putin, Pootie-Poot. See, he likes to give nicknames to everybody. He calls his dad '41', because he was the 41st president, and he calls Dick Cheney 'Boss.'" —Jay Leno
"As the Democrats get revved up at their convention in Boston, President Bush is fighting back the only way he knows how: by going on vacation! Ah, it's nice to take a rest, replenish your supply of smirks. The vacation was expected, because Bush traditionally takes a month off every summer to relax and avoid reading National Security Warnings." —Craig Kilborn
"The Washington Post reported that if you add up all the time Bush has spent in Texas, he's there for a whole month. Then you add up all the time he spends at Camp David, and his parents house in Maine and add up all the travel time getting to and from these places, and it adds up to 42 percent of his presidency. In fact, he'd actually have to win a second term just to complete his first term." —Jay Leno
"How many of you get a month vacation? Well President Bush will be getting his month-long vacation. The White House is calling it a 'working vacation.' And I am thinking, well that pretty much describes the entire presidency, doesn't it? ... Bush says he is going to be very active, he plans to exercise every day. And he says he exercise every day because it clears his head. Hey, mission accomplished." —David Letterman
"You never see Bush in the Oval Office. He's always playing golf, or he's riding a horse in Texas, or he's playing tennis. You know? I can't tell if he's president or filming a feminine hygiene commercial." —Jay Leno
"Senator John McCain recently compared the situation in Iraq to the Vietnam era — to which President Bush replied, 'What does Iraq have in common with drinking beer in Texas?'" —Craig Kilborn
"The White House has now released military documents that they say prove George Bush met his requirements for the National Guard. Big deal, we've got documents that prove Al Gore won the election." —Jay Leno
"President Bush announced we're going to Mars, which means he's given up on Earth." —Jon Stewart
"President Bush said today he would like America to establish a permanent base on the moon. This is all part of his plan to get Americans used to an environment where the air is un-breathable and there are no trees." —Jay Leno
"President Bush said he was 'troubled' by gay people getting married in San Francisco. He said on important issues like this the people should make the decision, not judges. Unless of course we're choosing a president, then he prefers judges." —Jay Leno
"Earlier this afternoon, George W. Bush resigned as the governor of Texas. This is historic. It's the first job he's left without going bankrupt. It was a nice ceremony. The state of Texas said while he's president, they'll let him stop by every once in a while and execute someone." —Jay Leno
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